Bill's brother's wife had a baby today. I am not really sure how it all went down but I know that baby is doing great and mom is doing OK. It was not an easy birth, according to Bill's mother, but I think everyone is going to be OK now. Not really sure what happened because Bill does not speak to his brother and his mom's version is, well, who knows!
The thought of baby has consumed me for the past week. Most people do not realize that but I think Bill has a clue. I have not slept much, had troubles with feelings again, and have been praying a lot.
Like I have mentioned before, Bill has mixed feelings about his family. I will not go into great detail about them or their relationship because I guess airing dirty laundry is not a good thing. I am going to write about how I feel.
Finding out Pat and Charly were expecting was extremely hard for me. I cried for two hours on the way home from Bill's grandmother's funeral (which is when Pat told Bill) and I still have not really come to terms with it. Most people wait until after the first 12 weeks but whatever works for each person is what works. Pat told Bill about two days after they knew. I thought that was weird but that is me.
Her name is Cayley Vivian Stansbery. Bill did not really know his grandparents and I thought that Pat did not either, but Vivian was their grandmothers name, she passed away this past May. I was surprised that they named her after Vivian, but good for them. I am sure that side of the family will gush and think it is just wonderful.
Anyway...
Having trouble staying pregnant is hard. When someone who was not planning it and talked about it as something they will just have to learn from is even harder.
I know I am "supposed" to be happy for everyone who is given the gift of children, but to be honest I am not. I am jealous and I use the awful term, its just not fair. I am sure some people think I should just get over my feelings and move on. Those people can go sit on a hot flaming rock. I have come to terms with some feelings and know that how I feel is how I feel.
I think that anyone who knows me, knows that I am a pretty caring person. It is weird when I hear of pregnancy news for others. Sometimes I am really happy and sometimes I am just jealous and angry. Then there are those times that I scream because stupid people who are idiots and not capable of parenting get pregnant. (Trust me I can say that I am a teacher)
I teach with lots of moms and hang out with lots of moms. I hear all about their pregnancies, births, and raising their children. Sometimes I want to scream at them to shut up and screw off. Sometimes I laugh on the outside and am screaming on the inside. Then there are the "most of the times" when I giggle or genuinely listen and am interested in their stories. I love hearing about my team teachers' kids because frankly, they are hilarious.
I am pretty sure I have heard about and experienced some interesting birthing stories. When I was in the hospital holding a friends leg while she was pushing and the Doc was pulling out the forceps I almost passed out. That is quite the deal! Some friends had their water break and 2 hours later out pops out their bundle. Some were in labor for three days and had emergency C-sections. There is a wide range of experiences and I hear about all of them. I do not want them to stop telling me because like I said I usually enjoy sharing their experience.
I am not really sure how I will react when I see my new niece. Hopefully, how I reacted when I met my two amazing nephews. I love Brendan and Carter dearly. They are my two guys and I am amazed at their mother and father. I joke with Bill about when we actually have children. I say that I will only let two people in the room with me; him, and Melissa. She is one tough cookie and if I need a little tough love I think I would want her to give it to me. Until that day comes I will try to keep my emotions in check and allow others their joy and bliss of being parents. God has a plan and I have come to terms that I am not in control, he is;)
Bill and I are happy with Gus and Sandy and some day will start the process of trying again.
3 comments:
You may not want comments to this post, you maybe were just venting, but just so you know, I have also been angry and jealous when people I know have gotten pregnant before we were even trying.
When the time comes, you will be an amazing mommy ~ just like you are an amazing friend!
You will make a great mother. You're allowed to have those feelings (not that you needed my permission...just wanted to give you reassurance to speak your mind...I like that about you), and if you want me to shutup, I will. I talk too much anyway. ;) It's a nervous habit. I can't imagine how it would feel to see people that don't want them have them. God is teaching you patience because he knows you are strong enough to handle it.
Oh Dana... I read this post a few days ago, and it hasn't left my mind since. While I have NO clue what you are going through, what I CAN relate to is the range of emotions that comes along with always having to be happy for everyone who gets what you want. After spending a year celebrating 13 weddings, I couldn't even go to the last one because I just had nothing left in me but envy, frustration, and a wee bit o' bitterness. Now, that is not me at all, but at the end of the day, when one's life dreams seem to be somewhere out there for self, and yet readily available for all others, I think it is OK to take a step back and care for self. The best reality I was offered was learning that the friends that I love so dearly love me enough to maybe not understand, but to gift me with the space, the encouragement, and the trust that allowed me to live my emotions. I hope that you are gifted that as well. Your time will come, and until then, I hope you are blessed with friends that will comfort you as you have so often done for them, I am sure!!! I am sending you many warm thoughts and prayers!!!!
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