Sophie's 1st Birthday

Yesterday was Sophie's first birthday. We came back from the cities, visited her grave, picked up the dogs and headed home. Then last night we went to the hospital to deliver treats to the nurses. The nurses were very appreciative and that made us feel good. We left a card in our basket of treats which was healing for us.

Last night we read Psalms 91, just like we did while laying in the hospital bed and thanked God for all of those people he placed in our life that day and the days to follow. The pastor that  baptized Sophie was one of those people that we will always remember. He was amazing and shared his amazing story with us about his own stillbirth experience and struggles with fertility. Another place where God gave us HOPE. God continues to give us hope and we cling to the quotes and verses that helped us and continue to help us grow in our faith life and function in our daily lives.

Here is a picture of where Sophie is buried. The craziest thing happened while we were standing there. It started to lightly snow. No clouds in the sky just a light snow falling down on just us. Pretty awesome and another gift from God.

There was a point late last night that I felt that same peace I felt one year ago wash over me and I was able to rest, which was definitely needed.

Today

For a few months now, Bill and I have been dreading this week. We have been dreading Christmas and dreading the days that followed. Walking the same path as we did last year and praying for a different outcome is so hard but I know we will get through this. Almost everyone in our life has been so supportive and patient with us, and we are ever grateful.

Last Thursday, I traveled to Fargo with our band and choir to Sanford for Christmas singing/playing. I sat in the same rotunda area that I sat in while waiting for Bill to come and get me so we could go to the funeral home and plan Sophie's funeral. That was probably the moment that I truly realized it has been one year. For the past several days we have thought about what we were doing on this day at this time last year. I remember, I remember each moment of physical pain that week, I remember how scared and sick I was. I remember trying so hard to be tough for our baby. I remember how God never left me and the comfort I found in him. Especially in that moment we saw Sophie's body on the ultrasound. That is why I fear ultrasounds and pray every time we have one, that this baby will live.

I spent today alone. Something that was really hard to do but also needed. I needed to cry and mourn. I needed this time to myself. I read some of the words of Sophie's story that I wrote in those weeks that followed and I am actually amazed at my strength, well not my strength but the strength God gave and still gives me. I wrote about patience, love, hugs, compassion, grace, my new understanding of death and a true understanding that God is in control, not us.

I wrote a great deal about patience and faith.
...When we choose to walk a life of Faith, they are two that will go hand in hand. Faith is different for all people. We all grow through our experiences, good and bad. Waiting with patience is a great gift Sophie has given us.

Today I think about those hands and feet. How we will never kiss them or hold them again but how amazing it was when we did. She had such big hands and feet, thinking about them makes us both smile and thank God we had the chance to kiss them, touch them and hold those hands and feet when we did.

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Morgan's Quilt

I made Morgan a puff quilt. It was supposed to be a birthday present last July, it just didn't happen so I gave it to her on Christmas.

We tried to get a picture with Morgan, the quilt and myself. Morgan, however, had different plans...

After several attempts, Morgan finally decided it was ok to sit near me, on the quilt. We were looking pretty stylish in our matching outfits!

Growing Belly

We try to take pictures of my growing belly each week, however, sometimes we forget and sometimes Gus truly makes it difficult. He just doesn't understand why I am standing still and he is not allowed to be in the picture or be petted.

 As annoying as he is, we do love him, he just makes things more difficult sometimes! He can be such a good friend and companion and those are the times that I am thankful he is in our lives.

Cuddle Time

Gus and Sandy were in some serious need of cuddling last night. Gus made a little nest in the blankets Bill was using and made himself comfortable.

He is actually pretty cute, when he is not destroying items. 

Gender Reveal

...JUST KIDDING!!!

Cousin Ashley thinks we are so funny :) We are not finding out the sex of this baby either. There are so few surprises in life, and for us, this is going to be one of them!

We did have another ultrasound last week. It is fun to see how this little one grows and moves. It is amazing to me how stubborn our babies are! We again, were unable to get all of the pictures we needed. At one point, when the baby finally moved so they could get a profile pic, he/she put their hand up almost as to cover their face! Too funny.

Here are the progress pictures of our sweet little Stansbery. 

...and here we are this week!

Oh Gus

After our adventures with a mouse in the house, Bill thought we should put the sticky traps around to make sure we would catch another mouse if it entered our house. Thankfully there were no more mice!  However, we did catch a Gus.

 It was quite the process attempting to free Gus from the sticky pad...

Strength

It is amazing where you can find strength when you need it most.

In the past couple of years, Bill and I joke about our life "theme song". We were listening to the radio a few years back while we were dealing with stuff and heard the words of Tom Petty's song I Won't Back Down. Here are the words if by chance you don't know them:

Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You could stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down

Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down

Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down

We kind of feel like we have been at the gates of hell and that life's blows have tried to drag us down but we are not backing down! We are not giving up. I am not sure of Tom Petty's religious background or what the true intent was of this song, but man does it exemplify Christianity for us. Seriously, think about it. God isn't going to stop loving us and taking care of us, he isn't going to back down just because we act like idiots and do stupid things. He forgives us every time we lash out or do something hurtful or not within our values.
Every time I hear this song, it gives me a little boost and reminds me to hang in there and to stand my ground! 

Here is a little Youtube link if you need a quick listen ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvlTJrNJ5lA

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.

This week was full of dark nights and pretend smiles during the days. Today, I feel I can finally be myself and take some time to heal again. It is amazing to me how many things do not matter to me and I find insignificant but I try so hard to respect other's worries and problems. I know that each experience causes us to handle situations differently. What is a crisis to some, does not even crack a worry for others. It is all in the perspective of the moment. Trying to find that balance of respect for others is important to me and I try to remember my values when I want to just cry from hurtful words.

This week was full of memories.

Monday night we lit Sophie's candle, read through her book and went through those days surrounding her birth. All across the world, people lit candles for lost babies.

Tuesday evening we went to a Memorial Service that was full of tragedies and fellowship. We were able to spend time with people who understand this part of our life. There was a slideshow of pictures of our babies lost too soon and it was painful and wonderful to watch.
Our nurse, who was with us from the moment we saw Sophie's lifeless body on the ultra sound and stayed with us through Sophie's birth, also lost a son. Her son Andrew's picture came across the screen and I felt like someone punched me in the heart but also opened my heart as well. So many mixed feelings.
Another family who lost their son, Preston, to SIDS, was very kind to us sharing their loss and hope. Preston's picture scrolled across the screen and all I could think about was that they were again facing another situation with their other son in the hospital recovering from a life-threatening injury.
Baby after baby, picture after picture scrolled across and the only thought I had was, Why? Why do all of these babies die? Why do family have to feel this heart-wrenching pains? I will never get the answer to that question but I do know that even though the grief waves hit hard and it feels that everyone is so insensitive, God isn't. God cares, he provides hope and love for us. He is always there and never leaves us, even in those dark nights.

No matter how painful and hard life can be. I know we are a family, we love each other and God loves us.

Romans 5:5 
And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

Leaf Watchers

My friend Steph used to live in Duluth and would always make fun of the people who would travel there during the fall to watch leaves.
Bill and I are, in fact, leaf watchers. We LOVE to go back home and check out the valley to watch the leaves change.
Here are few pics from this past weekend.

The Magnum

I said goodbye to the Magnum a few weeks ago. I was actually kind of sad to see it go, a little anyway. This was the first car we purchased and it worked pretty well for us for many years. It was time, however for it to go. Bill got a new pick up and I got the other Dodge pickup back to drive. Just in time for $4.00 per gallon gas. Goodness sakes! O-well, hopefully this will work for a little while. 

Baptism Day

Last weekend we were blessed to be apart of Mr. Drew's baptism day!

Drew's mommy has been my buddy, well since I was born:) It is such an honor to be Drew's godparents. Bill and I think he is about as cute as cute can be and we are both so very thankful to have the Olson family in our lives!

Garden Time

After the hail storm and the accidental crop spraying incident, Becky and Dale finally have their awesome gardens back this year.

Here are the grape vines.

A berry patch area.

The boys had fun on their bikes while we were checking out the gardens.

Carter thought the electrical fence was pretty darn cool. 

 Morgan and Lissa had fun walking out on the road.

There are actually several pumpkins ready too!

There are many varieties of pumpkins, squash, melons, okra, potatoes and much much more!

Here are the sand cherries, cabbage and I believe lettuce.

It is hard to see but the dill is in this area. I would have gotten closer but there were snakes back there when I was growing up. Even though there supposably hasn't been one in years, it could happen!

Tomatoes!