Today

For a few months now, Bill and I have been dreading this week. We have been dreading Christmas and dreading the days that followed. Walking the same path as we did last year and praying for a different outcome is so hard but I know we will get through this. Almost everyone in our life has been so supportive and patient with us, and we are ever grateful.

Last Thursday, I traveled to Fargo with our band and choir to Sanford for Christmas singing/playing. I sat in the same rotunda area that I sat in while waiting for Bill to come and get me so we could go to the funeral home and plan Sophie's funeral. That was probably the moment that I truly realized it has been one year. For the past several days we have thought about what we were doing on this day at this time last year. I remember, I remember each moment of physical pain that week, I remember how scared and sick I was. I remember trying so hard to be tough for our baby. I remember how God never left me and the comfort I found in him. Especially in that moment we saw Sophie's body on the ultrasound. That is why I fear ultrasounds and pray every time we have one, that this baby will live.

I spent today alone. Something that was really hard to do but also needed. I needed to cry and mourn. I needed this time to myself. I read some of the words of Sophie's story that I wrote in those weeks that followed and I am actually amazed at my strength, well not my strength but the strength God gave and still gives me. I wrote about patience, love, hugs, compassion, grace, my new understanding of death and a true understanding that God is in control, not us.

I wrote a great deal about patience and faith.
...When we choose to walk a life of Faith, they are two that will go hand in hand. Faith is different for all people. We all grow through our experiences, good and bad. Waiting with patience is a great gift Sophie has given us.

Today I think about those hands and feet. How we will never kiss them or hold them again but how amazing it was when we did. She had such big hands and feet, thinking about them makes us both smile and thank God we had the chance to kiss them, touch them and hold those hands and feet when we did.

.