This week was full of dark nights and pretend smiles during the days. Today, I feel I can finally be myself and take some time to heal again. It is amazing to me how many things do not matter to me and I find insignificant but I try so hard to respect other's worries and problems. I know that each experience causes us to handle situations differently. What is a crisis to some, does not even crack a worry for others. It is all in the perspective of the moment. Trying to find that balance of respect for others is important to me and I try to remember my values when I want to just cry from hurtful words.
This week was full of memories.
Monday night we lit Sophie's candle, read through her book and went through those days surrounding her birth. All across the world, people lit candles for lost babies.
Tuesday evening we went to a Memorial Service that was full of tragedies and fellowship. We were able to spend time with people who understand this part of our life. There was a slideshow of pictures of our babies lost too soon and it was painful and wonderful to watch.
Our nurse, who was with us from the moment we saw Sophie's lifeless body on the ultra sound and stayed with us through Sophie's birth, also lost a son. Her son Andrew's picture came across the screen and I felt like someone punched me in the heart but also opened my heart as well. So many mixed feelings.
Another family who lost their son, Preston, to SIDS, was very kind to us sharing their loss and hope. Preston's picture scrolled across the screen and all I could think about was that they were again facing another situation with their other son in the hospital recovering from a life-threatening injury.
Baby after baby, picture after picture scrolled across and the only thought I had was, Why? Why do all of these babies die? Why do family have to feel this heart-wrenching pains? I will never get the answer to that question but I do know that even though the grief waves hit hard and it feels that everyone is so insensitive, God isn't. God cares, he provides hope and love for us. He is always there and never leaves us, even in those dark nights.
No matter how painful and hard life can be. I know we are a family, we love each other and God loves us.
Romans 5:5
And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
